effulgence

what is planning?

at its core, the profession of planning is societal existentialism. it can be about laying down new streets, re-using historic buildings or even creating new jobs, but in the end it's what the community wants because it believes that whatever is planned is what's best for them (at least theoretically). but planning isn't all icing on the cake and peace-loving turtle doves; it is arduous and can be extremely taxing on the individual.

to go to both work and school has had physical consequences on me this fall semester. but more than the physical beating, the emotional loosening has weighed heavily down on me. i constantly realize that i'm not intelligent enough to grasp technical ideas; that i'm not as creative in problem-solving as i thought i was; and that i certainly do not have the clarity of mind to think big ideas out, and thus save the world (or take it over). if these attributes is what makes up a good planner, i am admittedly not one. and this kills me.

in my twenty-five years of living, i never liked the idea of doing something if i couldn't be the best at it. for this reason, i gave up on the piano; i was frustrated with math and the sciences; and i walked away from sports. some form of a superiority complex? possibly. i just want to excel at something; maybe it's my desire to be god-like. whatever the case is, my internship and my classes have revealed to me that i am not the greatest. i know it's a lie but i can't help but feel that, in my universe, i am a failure.

aside from being technically astute, the real kick to the nuts is that planning is really about relationships. it is more about how we get somewhere rather than what we end up with. it's about the people and having genuinely collaborative dialogues. you can't build a twelve-acre mixed-use retail, commercial and residential development without consulting the existing population, and finding out what they want first. again, planning is implementing the collective will for its greater well-being. one needs to communicate effectively to others, and this is where i also fail. worse yet, i lack not just as a planner but as a human being.

i suspected it on my first day in the program: to be a good planner was, and still is, synonymous with keeping to my faith, christianity. you see, christianity entails having healthy relationships between you and your Creator, and you with everyone else. i have gross shortcomings when it comes to this. i am mean-hearted and take for granted those closest to me; i disregard those who annoy me; i shake my head at those who are ignorant and uneducated, and who think they are entitled to a legitimate opinion. i catch myself running away in my mind to some city utopia where my ideals are upheld and my favorite people live. i know thinking like that is immature, so it makes me really question if i can or want to be a planner.

the funny thing is, something is telling me to keep studying and practicing. though i foresee the occupation being, at times, a critical mirror to who i am and what i do, i see the potential for sheer joy (granted i stick to it). i may have given the impression that it's been bad news since the beginning, but really, my last year and half has had some really bright moments. i have walked out of classrooms full of enthusiasm and refreshed, as if i were on my way that minute to go build the cities of God i had envisioned once before. what is planning to me? as with all things in this life, it is an opportunity for me to be a more faithful person.